Heard of a ‘grief declutterer’? After a loved one dies, she helps others decide which items to keep or throw

When a loved one dies, what do you do with the things they leave behind? The mug they drank their coffee from, the pyjamas that still smell like them, their handphone with its unique case, and their favourite books. 
How do you discard anything when everything reminds you of the person you’ve just lost? It feels as if you’re throwing them – and your memories of them – away. 
That’s where Martini Constance Lim comes in. The 43-year-old was so passionate about keeping things neat that she started a side business to help others organise their space. 
Part of her work involves “grief decluttering”, where she helps clients sort through the belongings of a loved one who has died and guides them in deciding which items to keep or throw.
Lim works full-time as an IT executive but after becoming certified as a KonMari consultant – the decluttering principles taught by popular Japanese tidying expert Marie Kondo – she started Minimize With Joy in 2020. Kondo’s organising method is based on self-reflection and asking whether an item “sparks joy”. 
The Singaporean, who was born in Indonesia, has helped dozens of clients declutter their wardrobes, pack their belongings before a big move, tidy their bedrooms and kitchens, and organise personal spaces. 
A year after she launched Minimize With Joy, Lim received an unusual request. A client asked her to declutter her late brother’s belongings – a first for her.
“When her brother died, she had no idea where or how to start dealing with his items,” Lim said. “So she wanted my help to guide her.”
Lim said the KonMari principles of self-reflection, contemplation and letting go of what doesn’t spark joy still applied, so she was happy to help her grieving client. 
When it comes to general decluttering, the questions are simple: Keep or let go? If letting go, donate, sell or toss? If kept, where and how will it stay neat and bring you peace? This matrix helps you go through your belongings more easily. 
Grief decluttering, or grief cleaning, is not so straightforward. It is the process of organising and letting go of things that belonged to a loved one who has died.
“When organising because of grief, a lot of emotions are involved and there are a lot of both good and bad memories in every item,” Lim said. “It’s different than organising your everyday items where you just want things to be neat.
“In this process, there’s also the process of letting go. You will tell yourself things like, ‘I should throw away this book’, but stop yourself because you’ll also think, ‘But this was his favourite book, I can’t let it go.’”
It’s why grief decluttering isn’t just the technical process of folding and putting things away. Lim’s role is also to provide company, to help her clients confront their emotions, such as sadness and fear, and to provide guiding questions as to whether to keep something. 
“Grief decluttering is a healing process,” Lim said. “It’s not easy, but it is necessary to move forward.”
For some, healing may take longer. Lim recounted how one client waited two years after his father’s death before seeking her help.  
“He realised he needed help to deal with his late father’s house and items,” she said. “Before that, he was still in deep grief and was not sure how to move on, knowing he had to deal with his father’s stuff.”
The first time Lim entered the father’s house, it seemed as if no one had died. “But the moment I picked up an empty plastic bag that was lying around, it disintegrated – that’s when I knew how much time had passed,” she said.
“When we have too many items of our late loved ones, we will feel a type of physical and emotional burden from seeing those items all the time. 
“There are other ways of honouring the memory of our late relatives, we don’t have to hold on to their stuff – we can learn to let go.”
When it comes to how long the process of general decluttering takes, Lim said it depends. 
On average, each session is about five to six hours, and there could be as many as four to five sessions, depending on how much the person owns. Some sessions are as short as three hours, while others could take up to 12. Lim charges S$80 per hour.
Grief decluttering often takes more time. The process is also not confined to death. It can be used to cope with major life changes, such as divorce or coming to terms with a major disability. 
“Every item they go through carries a memory and when you discard something, it’s as if you throw away the memory,” she said. 
“So it usually takes a longer time and more sessions may be needed, especially if the clients need time to themselves while we do the cleaning.”
1. Take your time: Grief decluttering is not easy or straightforward. Don’t rush – give yourself enough time to go through every item. It is a delicate process so be patient and gentle with yourself. 
2. Recognise that their items are not them: Even though an item may have been important to your loved one, it is not an act of betrayal to get rid of it when it serves no purpose and does not spark any joy. Don’t feel guilty about throwing things away. There are other ways to honour the memory of your loved one. 
3. Ask yourself these questions to guide your decision-making: Can this still be used, donated, or repurposed? What do I remember when I see this item?‘Who can keep this if I don’t want to throw it away?  
4. Get the help you need: If you know it will be difficult to do everything alone, consider hiring part-time help or getting family or friends to support you. They can be there to ask difficult questions when you struggle with particular items and be there for you.
5. Prepare a memory box: You don’t need to discard everything. Choose meaningful items that evoke fond memories of your loved one and keep them neatly in a memory box. This way, you can revisit these treasured memories whenever you wish.

Lim recognises that when you lose a loved one, you’d be reluctant to let every single item go. It’s why she recommends keeping a “memory box”,  filled with items that remind you of the person.
“In a memory box, you can keep specific items that make you remember your loved ones in a good way,” she said. “The box contains the items so they’re not always in sight and they don’t always remind you that your loved one is gone. This can be one way to honour their memory.” 
One of her clients kept the old mobile devices of his late father in such a memory box. Though there was no practical element to those devices – they were old Panasonic and Nokia phones – the client would remember how his late father would tinker with those phones and be fascinated by what they were capable of. 
If these items remind the living of the dead and can spark joy, they’re worth keeping, Lim said. 
While grief decluttering for her clients,  Lim herself began to reflect on what might happen to her own belongings if she were to die. She found herself asking questions like, ‘Will others care for my things as I would?’ and ‘Would people treat my belongings with respect?’.
This led her to discover the art of Swedish death cleaning, a process similar to the KonMari method in its values. 
It encourages people to accept that one day, they will not be around anymore, and there is a benefit to keeping their things neat and simple. By simplifying their lives and possessions, they make it easier for loved ones to manage their estate after they die.
Lim will be conducting a workshop on grief decluttering and Swedish death cleaning on Nov 10, as part of My Community Festival, a non-profit initiative that shares local stories through immersive workshops, tours and exhibitions. 
“When we grieve, we do it in many ways. I want to help others in their grieving process by tidying their items,” she said. “When our items are neat, we feel lighter,  making it easy for us to live fully, and, one day, to leave peacefully when our time comes.”
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